On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
