next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh god it's open bar.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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