New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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