mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
