GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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