the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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