Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
