im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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