Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
