got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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