he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's never too late to be topless.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
