all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
