take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
