I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
from now on my penis is your penis
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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