im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
