I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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