I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
