I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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