when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
