The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
