i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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