I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
