The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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