i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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