Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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