Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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