The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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