please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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