He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
