After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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