Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
