I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
His nipple licking is glorious
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