I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
