I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize