fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
