Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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