woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
