then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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