i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
