He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
