we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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