If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
