i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
