i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
