I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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