there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
