Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
