I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
