Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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