so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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