Umm I'm too high to move.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
