I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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