i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
