I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
