Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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